Some of The Funniest Jokes From The Black Book of Jokes
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Dive into our treasure trove of hilarity, handpicked from the renowned ‘Black Book of Jokes’. With the author’s blessing, we bring to you an exquisite collection of jests across a spectrum of themes.
Get ready to brighten your day with our top-tier selection of jokes guaranteed to tickle your funny bone.
Golf Frustrations
Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration.
He’d hit too many far shots. Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.”
“Try heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”
The Pianist’s Song Titles
A new pianist is needed in a posh restaurant in Manhattan.
A guy called David comes in and says “Hi there, I’m here about the pianist position.”
The manager replies “That is awesome, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?”
David sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ever heard. Stunned at the end of the performance he says “That’s absolutely wonderful, what’s it called?”
David replies “Oh it’s one of my songs, I call it ‘Your daughter sucked on my balls and I jizzed on her forehead’.”
The manager, shocked, stammers “Oh, right… urr, do you have any more?”
The pianist resumes playing, and yet again plays an absolutely magical piece of music.
The manager says “Incredible! What do you call this one?”
David replies “Oh, I call that one ‘I’m going to stick my tongue up your asshole and lick your colon’.”
The manager says to him “Ok, look, you’re hired. I can’t let a talent like you get away, but please never let the clients know the names of your songs, it simply won’t work in an establishment like this.”
So David agrees and starts work that night.
A few weeks later, the buzz about the restaurant was incredible. People are so enamored with this pianist they recommend their friends, come back regularly just to eat and hear this amazing music play. And one night, the pianist says to the diners “OK ladies and gentlemen, after this song I’m going to take a short break and I’ll resume my playing for you shortly,” and goes off to take a small comfort break.
As he’s returning from the restroom the manager swiftly approaches him and exclaims “David! Do you know your dick is hanging out of your trousers and the whole room can see it?!”
David replies “Do I know it?! Of course I do — I fucking wrote it!”
The Price of Elegance
A lady walks into a fancy jewelry store.
She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little “accident!” she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”
He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to shit when I tell you the price.”
Sleepwalking Parishioner
“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Father,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”
“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the vicar replied.
“It’s not a reflection on you, Father,” insisted the churchgoer. “Christopher has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”
The Drunk’s Dilemma
A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer.
A man passes and asks him what the matter is.
“I don’t know what to do,” says the drunk.
“My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven’t heard from my liver in two days.”
Sophie’s Marital Crisis
Things have reached a crisis point in Sophie’s marriage.
“If things are so bad,” her friend advises her. “Then you should leave your husband.”
“I would,” says Sophie. “If only I could think of a way of doing it that wouldn’t make him happy.”
Dan’s Distant Text
Dan was walking down the street with his wife earlier when she accused him of being ashamed to be seen with her.
“That’s total bullshit.” Dan replied.
By text, from across the road.
The Misplaced Potato
Boy comes up to his father, all angry, “Dad, you remember how you told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks? How did you say it would impress the girls?”
Father looks up, smiling, “Yeah, did it work?”
The boy screams, “You could have mentioned that the potato goes in the front!”
The Invisible Man’s Appointment
Secretary: “Doctor, the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”
Lawyer’s Expensive Advice
Walking into a lawyer’s office, a man asked what his rates were.
“Two hundred dollars for three questions,” the lawyer stated.
“Isn’t that awfully expensive?” the man asked.
“Yes,” replied the lawyer. “What’s your third question?”
The Italian Men on the Bus
Two Italian men get on a bus…
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
Last Wishes
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife’s shoulder, and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before I die.”
She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
“Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…”
At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”
A Child’s Inquiry
“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?”
“Do you see those 4 trees, son? An alcoholic would see 8 trees.”
“Um, Dad — there are only 2 trees.”
Circus Calamity
At a circus, there’s a calamity and two lions escape. They manage to grab hold of a clown and start devouring him. One lion turns to the other and asks, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Future Houdini
A couple have just had sex.
The woman says, ‘If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?’
The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet.
‘Well,’ he says.
‘If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.’
Super Encounter
Superman is flying around the city, horny as hell.
He suddenly sees Wonder Woman spread eagle, naked on top of the building.
Superman thinks, “This is my chance!” He swoops down, faster than a speeding bullet, bangs her, and is gone in the blink of an eye.
Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that!?”
The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but it hurts like hell!”
Roadside Assistance
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, “What the hell, I’ll try it,”
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, “What?”
He heard, “This is the police. What’s going on down there?”
The man replied, “I’m checking out the rear axle, it’s busted.”
Came the reply, “Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you’re down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.”
Stolen Credit Card
A man noticed his credit card had been stolen — but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.
Dance Request
A man at a party: Hi, do you want to dance?
Woman: Yeah, sure!
Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your pretty friend!
If you’ve enjoyed these witty tales and humorous anecdotes, you’re in for a treat! Take a journey through the world of humor with “The Black Book of Jokes” — a comprehensive collection of awesome jokes that promise to keep you entertained for hours.
Whether you’re looking to lighten up a gathering, bring a smile to someone’s face, or just need a good laugh yourself, this book is the perfect companion.
Get your copy of the Black Book Of Jokes now and join us in the laughter!